SchmalltownUSA

Schweet.

A friend recently made a post to her blog that was so bang-on for the no-man's-land I find myself occupying these days. After several months of being gastronomically out of control, I have now been off ice cream for 10 days, and I have decided Lent is going to be a big deal for me this year. Come 2/17, I'm giving up sugar. Can it be done? I don't know. But isn't that the whole point of committing to the impossible? BTW: my iPhone rocks Lent - making a decision to deny yourself of something this season? There's an app for that! 

This all begs the question: what happens when Lent ends? Wouldn't it be the height of cool if I were able to legislate a personal law that mandates that I may have sugar - but only if I go waaaaay out of my way to have it. A few years ago, I would have put Magnolia at the top of my list of dream destinations, but having done research into cupcakeries, I'm thinking a trip to Buttercup Bake Shop is looking even better for my spectacular re-entry.

No, possums, it's not in Media PA, so technically it shouldn't be up for review here at SchmallTownUSA, BUT: it is only one block from where I used to live in NYC - and what is Manhattan but a huge collection of schmalltowns? See where I'm going with this? We're broadening our horizons - instead of our mid-sections. A sense of accomplishment + a trip to NYC + a yummy cupcake = sublime delight.

If you happen to know of a terrific bakery in the Media area, or your own schmalltown (within the 50 states), drop me a comment here with your own mini-review. Or send it to wrlgrl247@yahoo.com (include a pic if you like). And let me know what and if you're planning to give up for Lent this year, and include why you're making the sacrifice - or why not. I'll publish all your stories to the main page of schmalltownUSA.

Let the denial games begin...

The Joy-Free Zone

The bar room definition of insanity: "Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results." Why does that never occur to me until I'm leaving the ACME MARKET in Media at the corner of Providence Road and Baltimore Pike?

The produce is picked-over, the product selection is meager and the staff runs from condescending, to apathetic, to downright rude. As I pushed my cart full of groceries out to the parking lot the other day, the enormous, staggering drunk fella who collects the carts announced to all and sundry in his booming baritone: "They promise we'll be taken care of, get raises, but do they do it? No - they're ASSHOLES!"

This says so much - and on so many different levels, it makes me dizzy. But although his statement was, shall we say, heartfelt, all I could think was, "I've moved to the crassest place on the planet." I mean, the last time I checked, one could expect to get fired for making the above assertion in public.

But perhaps his ... frustration ... was understandable. The atmosphere on any given shopping trip is oppressive: one gets the sense that perhaps the place is a feng shui trainwreck: workers' faces are set in grim expressions of resentment, shoppers don't tarry. If this was the only place you encountered in Media Pennsylvania, you would have to conclude that you'd visited "The Unhappiest Place on Earth" (apologies to Walt Disney for the paraphrase). Oh, did I mention that their prices are high? Okay, I have now.

If you must pick up something last minute for dinner, take my advice and hit the Trader Joe's on State Street - only a few minutes away from this pit of despair. But if you have staples like cat food or paper products, you'll probably have to take your lumps at the Acme. Just push your cart, grab your stuff, pay through the nose (use the self-checkouts - why subject yourself to the nasty checkers?) and get the hell out (truly the happiest moment of your entire experience). But don't think you're free of the place once you've exited the store. Remember, Mr. Cart Picker-Upper may be lurking over there where you parked.

Wait, is that - Hey! Who keyed my car??

ACME MARKET - 527 E. Baltimore Pike, Media PA 19065

Pure, Pharmaceutical White.

With all the schnow schnow SCHNOW in the last two days - and more on the way, Media's "rally" is a bit disappointing. Slackjawed, resentful teens, out "shoveing" snow (Actually they're leaning on snow shovels as they busily text to friends: "I'm too good for this crap, but what can I do? Dad will refuse to send me to Brown!")

With the happy result that driveways are left with deposits of schnow at their road entrances and drifts are EVERYWHERE (some over 6 feet tall). Still. The silence is golden. (With the exception of the "ticka ticka ticka" of adolescent thumbs twinkling over keyboards...)